A New Journey

A few days ago I had an anxiety attack. What I've been doing to cope with the pressures of life is not working as well as it once did. My parents and a good friend invited me to take this time to take a step back and reflect on life and what is and isn't working. This is part of that reflection. It may at times be sappy, discombobulated, and whiney. Read at your own risk.

So much of what I do is influenced heavily by what other people think I should be doing. I crave compliments and pats on the back like an addict. More than anything, I desire to be great. The strange thing is, I've grown up with a value set that is very different from many people around me. Thus, my pursuit of greatness does not come coupled with illusions of illustrious monetary grandeur or great positions of power and influence. No, I want to be humble, self-giving, honest, and loving. Part of the problem is that I want to be more humble, more self-giving, more honesty, and more loving than you. In truth I am more often prideful and arrogant than humble, more self-serving than self-giving, more deceitful than honest, and not very good at loving.

I think I'm going for the right behaviors, but my motivation is all wrong. I am scared of people not liking me. Sometimes scared to death. I want to do well at everything I do so that people will think, "Ben, now that guy is really something". In my secret thoughts I want to be a really big deal - make a big difference - be well-liked and famous. But in reality I am afraid of so much. I'm afraid of failure - so I just don't do much. I'm afraid to meet new people - and I don't really know why. I guess I just think they won't like me or sometimes I just think I am better than them. Anyways, enough self-disclosure, I think I've made my point - to you the reader and myself.

I started reading the Gospel of John two days ago. I really wanted to hear a word from Jesus, and I wanted to start at the beginning, but I didn't want to start with the Little-Lord-Baby-Jesus-no-crying-he-makes. I wanted Jesus as an adult. That's why I started with John, maybe not the best motivation, but I'm just taking what I can get at this point. I'm only a few chapters in, but I'm really falling in love with Jesus all over again. I want to be just like him someday. I also really like John the Baptist. Here he has this great ministry, and he's crazy and radical and all that, but as soon as Jesus shows up he's all about "More of him and less of me". He's so ready to step down and let Jesus do the work. That's the kind of minister I really want to be. I just want to learn how to get out of the way. I want to learn how to put my ministerial/seminary student ego to death.

The thing that really got me excited about Jesus last night as I was reading was in John 3:17. John 3:16 gets a lot of press and I guess it's a pretty good verse, but really anything Jesus says is pretty great in one way or another. But John 3:17 is where Jesus says, "For I have not come to condemn the world, but to save it." I almost cried I was so happy when I read this last night. He hasn't come to condemn the world! I feel like a failure so much of the time. I feel like I let down God and Jesus by what I do. But Jesus didn't come to condemn the world, he came to save it. That's one of the things I really love about Jesus, he's not here to torch us all for being sinners. He didn't kill anybody while he was here. That sounds like an obvious thing to say, but I've needed to hear that. Jesus wants me to have life - even eternal life. Full life. Anyways, I don't know where this is going, so I'm going to stop. And it's my reflection so I can do that if I want.